I was sitting just a moment ago in what is so quaintly called STEM Cell, a meeting of professors and grad students here at USC that adjourns once a week to talk over the paper-in-progress by members, all who work within the realm of science and technology issues in society. It deals with philosophy, history, politics, etc and the discourse becomes incredibly complicated incredibly quickly. Its fairly amazing to see the brilliance with which they accost each other. Sometimes it gets rather heated. Constantly, when someone brings up a point I think “Wow, what a good point” and I look over at the person who has just been completely undone and see that they are composed and quickly come back with an equally brilliant response.  Back and forth, like so, for an hour.

At least I can follow the conversation.

I still feel slightly out of place there, but I am getting closer to feeling that I can at least sit at the table, figuratively and literally (today was the first time I dared to bring my chair up to the conference table, such an odd form of symbolic progression). Increasingly I realize that, while I”ve always thought I am a capable person, I don’t think I’ve viewed my role very seriously for a while now. I have always been serious and known I am capable, but always allowed a sort of awkwardness or at least a separation from others, so that they could discard me off-hand, which they did constantly.  In other words, I took myself seriously but did so with a sort of pride that cared nothing for others. Now I have found a group in which I desire to be a serious member. Slowly I am beginning to think of myself as one of them.

The mistakes are what linger and I must forget them because they are persisting in the back of my mind. These occur in classes and in meetings with professors. Like the time when I tried to clarify an argument made in a book and ended up basically saying what was said in the section headings. Or the time when I ignorantly and foolishly hinted that I could just read the abstracts for a few articles to cite in a paper (making myself out to be a slacker–I read the whole articles). Or the countless times when my comments really aren’t brilliant in class or are completely off topic. Of course no one else notices these really much. Its just me being self-conscious because I want to be taken seriously by these people. These quick witted, brilliant, incredible people.

But to do that, I first have to take myself seriously. So I just wanted to get those mistakes off my chest. Right now, this moment, I need to take myself seriously–because now I have to apply to grad school. First application is due in 2 weeks. If I don’t take myself seriously, how can they?

And here I go, growing up again. How we just keep moving on….