I’m not normally good at putting up a tough face. Its true, I’m sensitive and emotional. I like to think of my writing as bleeding onto the paper (screen) and can’t rightly survive without it.  But with this whole thing with Kayley I’ve been trying so hard to keep moving, to put up that tough face. That last blog entry I wrote…it was good for me. But it doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. And just because I’m glad and excited to move and to go to grad school and all that that entails, I will miss this place sorely. I always do this. I get attached. I know I must leave and recreate myself again elsewhere but its been fun. Yes, fun.

Its not like that. Its not that I’m stuck or that I was even terribly happy here. Just like its not that Kayley and I could have worked and that we should’ve stayed together. Nor is it that I’m just projecting my ideal vision of a woman on to her–although some of that has gone on. This is sincerely the feeling of endings that occurs at the end of anything that was good. And I mean good not in any non-conflicted way, but in an epic, familiar, personal sort of way. Its like the end of a good series of books (like Harry Potter, for instance) or a tv series or a good movie. You’ve come all this way together and the sheer knowledge that its over, that there is no more to come, that you will never see dear Harry fight any more battles in this wizardry world–that itself is a tragedy.

I feel that right now more than I ever had. I feel it about this apartment. I feel it about little ol Columbia, SC. I feel it about my time as an undergraduate.  I feel it about Kayley.  No love in the future will allay that feeling of intimate concern for her existence and adoration for her. It is true, I must move on. It is also true, I am lonely. Yet I am happy in the way that one is happy even in a mixed ending, where Sirius dies but you know that Harry will carry on.

Yes, thats right, I am using Harry Potter references. Because I know you’ll know them.

But I suppose I must get back to cleaning….