I’m not normally good at putting up a tough face. Its true, I’m sensitive and emotional. I like to think of my writing as bleeding onto the paper (screen) and can’t rightly survive without it.  But with this whole thing with Kayley I’ve been trying so hard to keep moving, to put up that tough face. That last blog entry I wrote…it was good for me. But it doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. And just because I’m glad and excited to move and to go to grad school and all that that entails, I will miss this place sorely. I always do this. I get attached. I know I must leave and recreate myself again elsewhere but its been fun. Yes, fun.

Its not like that. Its not that I’m stuck or that I was even terribly happy here. Just like its not that Kayley and I could have worked and that we should’ve stayed together. Nor is it that I’m just projecting my ideal vision of a woman on to her–although some of that has gone on. This is sincerely the feeling of endings that occurs at the end of anything that was good. And I mean good not in any non-conflicted way, but in an epic, familiar, personal sort of way. Its like the end of a good series of books (like Harry Potter, for instance) or a tv series or a good movie. You’ve come all this way together and the sheer knowledge that its over, that there is no more to come, that you will never see dear Harry fight any more battles in this wizardry world–that itself is a tragedy.

I feel that right now more than I ever had. I feel it about this apartment. I feel it about little ol Columbia, SC. I feel it about my time as an undergraduate.  I feel it about Kayley.  No love in the future will allay that feeling of intimate concern for her existence and adoration for her. It is true, I must move on. It is also true, I am lonely. Yet I am happy in the way that one is happy even in a mixed ending, where Sirius dies but you know that Harry will carry on.

Yes, thats right, I am using Harry Potter references. Because I know you’ll know them.

But I suppose I must get back to cleaning….

On my way home from Rock Hill today I was listening to some really good music. First I listened to the new album by the EBM/futurepop freakin awesome band VNV Nation. I was my first listen through and I was pleased that Ronan (the lead singer/songwriter/mixer) was able to keep up his same ethereal sound with the nice balance of fast beats and slow interludes. And, as always, his lyrics were fantastic.

Then I switched to some post-hardcore, a genre that a lot of the people I know stay away from. As far as I can tell, two types of people listen to post-hardcore: morons who just like to scream and thrash around mosh-pit style, or those who feel incredibly passionately about life and the things these songwriters are talking about. Most people say post-hardcore is “emo” but the stereotype…umm, people just don’t get it.  These bands…they know something about life. They feel it deeply. Post-hardcore is about weaving the chaos, turmoil, and absurdity of life in with the beautiful, worthwhile, and passionate desires. The alteration of loud and soft, the screaming interwoven into soft, sometimes whispered, sometimes beautifully sung lyrics–these are all meant to capture the central paradox of life. These people are serious, yes, but they feel like they have a reason to be serious. These people struggle with depression, yes, but they say that there is a reason to be depressed. But most of all, these singers just seem intelligent.  I mean, some of them are freakin brilliant with the songs they put together.

Take these two songs: Deliverance! by From First to Last and A Goat in Sheep’s Rosary by From Autumn to Ashes (similar names, yes). Both of these are incredibly deep songs that speak very wisely about life. Deliverance is about how we want freedom but don’t seem to realize that freedom is only worthwhile if we can live with ourselves.  Then A Goat In Sheeps Rosary is even more incredible. I think these guys pretty much captured the emphasis of existential absurdism in one song. Amazing.

Anyways, why do I talk about music now? Because there is an element within me that lives off this stuff and I don’t think I’ve ever really found anyone who sees completely eye to eye with me on this. I mean, someone who is smart, deep, and able to listen to this stuff. I wish I had a friend who I could just sit around with and put this music on and we could talk through the night bout life. Curt and I can do that with EBM, so thats good. But he won’t touch the post-hardcore. Oh well.

I guess maybe I’m just too intense. Maybe this has to be a personal thing. Maybe this is a relic of a dramatic idealization of the group of passionate, deep feeling, friends who weren’t afraid to feel and to talk and to dance and to scream–or do other stuff like wear crazy clothes, dye our hair crazy colors–and to do it all with an intelligence and purpose that could not be denied. This is a crazy desire because it won’t ever happen.

So it goes.

This essay was written for an Advanced Writing class, Spring 2008, taught by Shevaun Watson

Why do people jump off of buildings?

What must it feel like to approach the edge of that concrete railing, your toes feeling the emptiness beneath them? How would the air feel as it brushes your hair from ten stories up? I would imagine it would be serene and numbing to feel the light touch of the sun’s rays as they retreat into the distance, to peer out into the sky and seek to join it. But below the awestruck sky would lie the city, dirty, dark, busy, polluted—full of people walking, driving, living—oblivious to your own life and how it hangs in a delicate balance. What thoughts run through your mind at that moment? What edges you forward, or pushes you away from the edge? What is strong enough to move those few inches? What is bad enough to end your life?

Surely we all must admit life is troublesome, strange, frustrating, confusing, and vaguely unfamiliar (even though it’s all we know). In twenty years of existence here, a day doesn’t go by that I am not flabbergasted by this world we live in, with all its intricacies—all those subtle notes of suffering like the bitter taste of tobacco in the after taste of an overpriced wine. For lack of a better word, this life is simply odd—it is impossible to grasp. And once you think you’ve got it figured out, it changes and everything seems just as strange as before.

For one such as me, this keeps me going—for kicks, you could say. I’ve got nothing better to do. But others are not like me. They can’t take it. They choose to take the quick way out and end it now, climbing to the top of large buildings and shooting up concrete like heroin, letting it devour all their miseries. And they do it in increasing numbers.

Annually, 30,000 Americans commit suicide with an additional 500,000 attempting suicide. That amounts to someone attempting to end his life every second of the day. It’s like they’re all lined up on that infinitesimal building, jumping second after second, trying to get rid of the misery that is their lives. Every second, trying to shut out those images, the people who don’t care, the demands they don’t want to meet, the pointless day-to-day, the endless tiring march. Every second, another one falls.

Yet for most people suicide seems inconceivable. Why would you do that, we ask? Why would anybody want to kill themselves? So we give them medicine, we diagnose it as “depression” (which supposedly some 15 million Americans have), and we save them from themselves. (continue reading…)

I’ve been saying for a long time that Emo, screamo, and post-hardcore music is some of the best lyrical music around–that these people understand that the world is conflicted and that sometimes we need to really feel how conflicted it is.   Lyrically, the genre have been hard at work opposing violence and war.  Unfortunately, lists of “greatest anti-war songs” will always include the heavy hitters that everyone knows and listens to, from System of A Down to Bob Dylan.  This is the other anti-war song list, which I bring to you from my somewhat eclectic taste in music.  Besides the emo songs I’ve included a few others that are odd but excellent.

Ghost of You by My Chemical Romance

Friends in the Armed Forces by Thursday

Deth Kult Social Club by From Autumn To Ashes (warning, this video should have a siezure warning. Also, there’s a lot of screaming so click on the name over there for the lyrics)

Bulletproof by Scary Kids Scaring Kids   (More screaming Here)

Divide and Conquer by Story of the Year

A Battle Hymn For the Children by The Faint

Screaming at the Wailing Wall by Flogging Molly

Hero of War by Rise Against

Operation Iraqi Liberation by Anti-Flag

Holiday by Greenday